Sometimes I forget...

Sometimes I forget that the world has not stopped since I've been here. Living on a little island in the Pacific can make you feel like everything and everyone else is very far away, and sometimes like they're not even there at all. It's very easy to get wrapped up in the notion that you are removed from the web of human existence but it is a flawed way to live your life.

Coming to terms with the fact that I'm far away from friends and family who need me is beginning to make its mark on my psyche. I hadn't counted on the fact that I would be just a ghost for so many people back home, like I could do nothing to help them. It is surreal to wake up every day and go about my daily routine and play games with a bunch of kids for a couple hours while knowing, in the back of my mind, that people I care about are dealing with extremely serious issues.

I feel selfish and cruel for going off and finding a path that's suitable for just me. Don't get me wrong, I love the opportunity for adventure and I revel in the fact that I've actually done something truly outside my comfort zone, but there's a nagging feeling like every moment that I spend focused solely on my own ambitions is a moment lost in another aspect of my life. I guess that is the way life works though, you can only spend your time doing one thing so you've just got to make decisions which allow you to use that time the best that you see fit. How do you know you've made the right decision? That is what plagues me. I wish I had a compass or a map that told me whether I was on the correct path, but I'm a natural skeptic to anyone or anything that says that they have the "true" answer to any of life's problems. Perhaps this is because I think that they cannot possibly have a better handle on it than I do, but I'd like to think that my own ego is not what's stopping me from believing these things. After all, there are certain people in my life that I trust to an extent that I would take their knowledge as a revered gift, though I may not always do what they say.

I do not like to waste people's time because I place a high value on it, and cannot possibly understand anyone who doesn't. Time, in the sense that we only have so many rotations around the sun to call a life. So why ruin someone's opportunity for happiness by using some of them up for your own ends?

I can only hope that my family and friends back home know that I love them and not to worry about me. I'm not moping about worrying about what is going on without me, I'm simply hyper-conscious of the fact that my decisions affect everyone around me and I don't want to let them down.